Snape's Diary is a diary that belongs to Severus Snape. It was introduced in Snape's Diary. Harry Potter once stole it and read it to Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger, as it chronicled Snape's obviously depressing life.
- Dear diary, today I ate some oatmeal for my breakfast. It was flavorless and watery. I thought of my mother. I cried.
- Today I put on my raincoat and traveled to Knockturn Alley. I purchased a pair of fancy mice. When I brought them home, one devoured the other and then died of loneliness. I felt envy. (Harry commented that this was hilraious.)
- Today that Potter boy showed me his middle finger. When I attempted to punish him with detention, he shoved me into a wall screaming, "Bother, bother!" over and over. Later he and his orange friend repeated the violent act until I lost consciousness. Tonight I prayed for the first time in 20 years. I prayed for the end. (Harry commented on that, and told Ron to high-five him in the style "Give me five!", but Ron said Harry already took his money.)
- I lost a button on my cloak today. Minerva pointed it out in front of the entire faculty. Oh, cruel attention. "Button, oh button, where hath thou fled? Did thee tarry too long amongst fabric and thread? Did thee roll off my bosom and cease to exist? How I wish I could follow thee into the midst." (Ron asked Harry what a bosom was, but Harry didn't know what it was or he was just disturbed. Ron also commented to Snape that he liked this story and that he liked buttons.)
- Today while in the bathtub--(Harry, Ron, and Hermione said ew to this)--I fell asleep and had a nightmare. I was riding a Thestral through a thunderstorm. Every thunderclap resolved into their voices, "Bother, bother!" Suddenly, it became music. I was at the Yule Ball with Lily Evans. I asked her to dance. She asked me to die. Would that I could, Lily. Would that I could. (Harry commented that his mom was awesome.) When I was awoke, my skin was prune-like from the tepid bathwater, and I was late for golf with Lucius Malfoy. (Ron commented that he liked prunes, and Dumbledore showed up naked at the mere mention of prunes. He thought Harry, Ron, and Hermione had prunes, but was disappointed when Harry told him they didn't.)
- Today the Orange One drank of my more expensive elixirs. He promptly vomited a glittering rainbow of foul waste, and the classroom erupted with applause, triggering my migrane. I aborted the class and was left to clean the boy sick. Halfway through, Argus Filch showed up and bragged about his many affiairs with Hogsmeade ball-maids. Then he told me I smelled of broccoli and left without wishing me a happy birthday. I thought of my father. I cried. (Harry commented that this got boring.)
- (This was a false entry written by Harry) I am Snape. I'm so sad because I poop my pants all the time. I don't have any friends because I stink like broccoli and poop. I teach potions to Harry Potter and it's really boring because he's so cool, and it makes me have depression. Okay, I think I'll go cry now, but not before I poop my pants. Bye.
- (This was a poorly-written entry written by Ron) I am S--